The All American EpiPen Timeline

Theral Timpson

Millions of years ago - Bees sting humans.  Certain humans eat nuts.  Anaphylactic shock happens.

1973 - Some All American humans are increasingly afraid that other humans will attack on them with chemicals.  The Pentagon asks scientists at a company called Survival Technology, Inc. to develop a quick treatment for when humans are fried by nerve gas.

1977 - All American Shel Kaplan invents the CombiPen.

1998 - All American Heather Bresch claims to receive an All American MBA from West Virginia University.

2004 - Shel Kaplan improves the CombiPen into the EpiPen.  He doesn’t know that Heather Bresch will make millions of dollars from his invention. 

2007 - Mylan Pharmaceuticals buys EpiPen product from Merck.  The All American EpiPen is selling for $57.  It injects a dollar’s worth of the generic hormone epinephrine to treat anaphylactic shock.  

2007 - Heather Bresch is Mylan’s COO.  She makes $2.5 million a year.  The All American light goes off in Heather Bresch’s head regarding the EpiPen.  

2007 - After a newspaper calls, All American West Virginia University quickly grants Heather Bresch an MBA degree.  It wasn't granted in 1998 because Heather Bresch completed only half the coursework.   In her All American way, Heather Bresch thanks the newspaper for investigating her,  “I owe you a thank you for pointing out the administrative nightmare around my MBA.”

2007 - Mylan Pharmaceuticals is a major donor to West Virginia University.

2007 - Heather Bresch’s dad is an All American governor of the state of West Virginia.  West Virginia University is one of the state’s largest employers.

2009 - Shel Kaplan, inventor of the EpiPen, dies in obscurity, having made no money in All American royalties.  

2011 - Mylan raises the price of the EpiPen to $198.64.  Heather Bresch is named “Patriot of the Year” by the All American Esquire magazine.

2013 - Congress passes the School Access to Emergency Epinephrine Act.  Mylan raises the price of the EpiPen to $264.50.

2015 - In their All American way, Mylan moves their headquarters to the Netherlands to avoid paying the United States taxes.  Heather Bresch is named one of Fortune Magazine’s “50 Most Powerful Women in Business.”  Her income is $19 million a year.

May, 2016 - Mylan raises the price of EpiPen to $608.61.  Yearly sales of EpiPens are over $1billion.  EpiPens bring in 40% of the company's profits.  Newspapers around the country blow the All American whistle.

August, 2016 - Senators knock on Mylan’s door.  Heather Bresch's dad is now a senator.

August, 2016 - Heather Bresch answers, “Hello Senators. Hello Dad.  Would you like a champagne-bourbon cocktail?  As dad knows, In West Virginia, we call this drink the All American Persephone. . . . Now senators, no one’s more frustrated than me.”   

August, 2016 - Hillary Clinton tweets an All American tweet.  Biotech stock indexes drop sharply.   Mylan says price of EpiPen will remain the same.  Offers some patients some All American assistance.

August, 2016 - Mylan’s stock value drops $3 billion in 5 days as All American investors panic.

August, 2016 - If Heather Bresch gets fired, her All American golden parachute is worth $61.5 million.