Gene and Tonic
1. There’s no good and elegant way for a scientist to march. For one thing, there are no slide projectors. In fact, there are really no tools for marching, except the bull horn. And that takes someone who wants to talk loudly. Duh! Scientists don’t actually do things. They get tools to do them.
2. Scientists marching in America would look too French. Guillotines are for frogs and mice, not people.
3. Marches are boring. It wouldn’t be two minutes before scientists at a march would be checking the microbiome of nearby fire hydrants, recording local temperatures, or objectively and systematically observing bystanders’ reactions to . . . a science march. How can you observe the mice when you are yourselves the mice, they'll ask.
4. Science is not political, and scientists shouldn’t act like they are people. Everyone knows that scientists must remain anonymous and never surrender to modern celebrity culture. Watch out, you might get elected to something. Isn’t one of the steps of the scientific method to make sure you never piss off anyone in power?
5. It’s a waste of time. Scientists are too busy doing science to worry about whether they have the right to do science. Besides, if they leave their labs, who would work on the next generation of nuclear toys for Donald to show off to Vladmir when he comes over for playtime at the White House?
Still not convinced? Neither are we. Scientists must march because:
1. This is not your mom's lab anymore. Science lost in the election. Some have argued that a march would upset Trump's voters. Oh, yes, because Trump voters are the epitome of restraint. Republicans ran on an anti-science platform . . . and won. Deal with it.
2. It worked for Canada. Ask Stephen Harper what happens when you muzzle scientists.
3. OK, if not a march then a giant COLLECTION. How about scientists walk across the country and collect all the life saving medications, the iPhones, the bridges, the pasteurized milk, and those cute glow-in-the dark fish.
Attention Americans: please have all products of science out on the street corner in bins ready for collection by Earthday. And don’t forget your microwave and all those dildos!
4. Go ahead! You know you want to. Show off that newly inscribed lab coat. You think Trump's supporters are frightened of the way you think? Wait ‘til they see you in uniform.
5. And finally . . . because Laura Hercher said to.
Labcoats of the world, unite!